我是那種人

為了好友的故事，我前所未有的備歌又下筆作準備。
很累，一早上班再加班。回來打機發洩，熱水涼後就開動唱機。
很累，但我知道累的不只我一人。
付出和放棄如何取捨？
沒責怪沒不滿只是失預算了。
不到場是要為我打點執拾，是為了我。
其實我付出了甚麼？
放棄喜歡的就是愛的付出嗎？
或許我自私…我不應愛。

突然發覺連掛念的傾訴對象都沒有了，誰的肩膀在我的腦海中盆旋？

Heal the World

Weekend wasn't nice due to the rain and rude family at Disney.
Couldn't stop listening to "Heal The World", it's my favourite of Michale Jackson's song.
1993 was the best year of him (I reckon) with his best color.
(Not TOO WHITE) For that time being, I believed that he's white.
I totally forgot that he's black, I was too attracted about his dance and songs.
My 3rd time to HK Disney Land, the smallest Disney ever.
Rain never suits me, again it proves how much I dislike the crowd and how impatient I am with crowds.

"Heal the world, make it a better place.
For you and for me and for the entire human race."
It's just too beautiful, I love it.
In the time like this, the world need it more than ever.
People are changing, more and more selfish and angry.
I don't like it and I feel sorry for many things.
For how people are and how things have turned out.

Would Lord be as sad as I feel?
Human is the most scary creature he has ever created.
Smart but yet very cruel.
Aren't we?

I would remember to pray at 315pm,
pray for the world again.
I used to do that back then, once I stopped the night prayer then came the meal prayer and along with others.
I would once again to pray, a short prayer to the world.
Please let it be healed, be peace, be loved.

PS: Someone asked about my family this morning, dad and his wife in NZ while my mum in HK.
Alone in YL and the question was: "Do you dislike your mum?" Ha, my first reaction was HAHA!
(Ya I hate living with her.) "Or do you like your own space." All I said was, "Ya, fresh air,"
In my heart, too used to having my own space. Living with a mother who never rised me was one of the
hardest thing in live. But I kept them in my heart, kept them with me.

Lately I Feel Shit.....

New job is great so far but are they always
I really hope it can last more than two years, I am less afraid of getting bored of this position as I prefer that fancy title in this bloody cruel world and reality. At least it has a "Manager" on it and this big firm can size up my experience and it's stable and it's 90% western culture.
Sometimes I feel like I don't speak English at all, especially when I face RainMan.
He drives me nuts man!
The way he looks at me, I mean stop glancing!
And his team, Er........ but the admin team is supportive.
I mean, I don't need to care how the advisors teams are.
I just want to do my job and keep money coming and live life the way I want.

I feel crap lately, I hate the fact how depression is getting back to me piece by piece.
I am frightened of losing myself piece by piece, would I?
It sucks. Fine in the morning and just ONE, I mean ONE TINY thing goes wrong then
I would be riding a roller coaster. I just lose myself.

I could just cry and cry and deep down I hate myself so much.
I hate how easily I can lose it and not seeing who I am and mostly not capable of being myself again
right at that moment even knowing damn well it is not me and not someone who I want to be.

This morning was great, I was hoping it's going to be a sit back Saturday.
Everything was fine until he stayed in the room and wouldn't come out.
And just like that, 2 mins I was furious and upset.
I inserted the b-sided vcd and kept watching the movie.
I felt bad for being mad at him, just because he didn't come out?
Ya, I am almost the one who make the first move each time and
I thought it'd be a change this morning and it'd be fun.
But just one mistake or just one simple actioin. (or no action)
My emotion just turn up side down, I am mad at him and I am most of all angry at myself.
He just ruined everything and yet I allowed myself to feel that way.
If he could just walk out of the room and brought me back in then it would have be fantastic.

Then I just stormed off, I couldn't enjoy the movie and had a shower.
A shower to wake myself up and yet to cool off.
Tears come down with the running water, thank godness the anger was washed off.
I was normal again and got into some fun then disappointment.
I had no reason to be mad and I wasn't really pissed at him.
Just myself, I wanted to include him by letting him do it.
But I guessed it took too long and I got pissed at myself.
Then I cried and cried and I was just tired.

I don't know when I would reach the state of breaking down.
(hoping not to)
I don't want medication, I just want to be myself.
I don't mind the emotional me, it is part of who I am.
It is how I get my good art but I no longer need depression to storm my life.
I don't like hurting my love ones.
I prayed after my shower, I laied on the bed.
And the first thing I had was prayer, for so long I had forgotten how it felt.
Tears just ran down automatically, couldn't help it but I felt better.
I should pray more, it may help again.
But I know I am not going to force myself to fight against my lazyness.
Or I somehow think I don't deserved to be blessed and loved by Lord.
Ya I have been away for so long, I know he loves me dearly but I'd take my time.

I miss NZ, I  miss home, I miss my mates.
I stop thinking about Billy now, gosh he was the most imporatant of all for a long time.
But still Chris, my favourite ex. Haha, no one could be any sweeter than my dearest Chris.
I love mocking him when he says how great I am and how much he misses our old times.
I would constantly remind him that it's his lost.
He flew to Hong Kong for me, how many men would really do it?
I had few of them saying it but how many of them could appear in front of my eyes?
I couldn't thank this man enough, he was the first man who touched me THAT way
But most of all, he has always been a very good friend.
He listens, he talks. I know he doesn't tell me as much as I share with him but
it doesn't change the fact of how much we know each other.
The night he was in Hong Kong, we were stucked in Kowloon Park.
Right before the secuirty guard came and told us to leave as it's closing.
I knew, I knew Chris wanted to kiss me and yet he lost his chance again.

Chris and Billy were the first people I think of when I am down,
they know me best. But Billy is no longer in my world, no one's fault.
We just grew apart. Ya two very best friends grew apart.
He wasn't the first anyway, Molly and Billy.
Losing two best friends of a life time, who knows if I would lost anyone next?

I only told a very few people that I am planning to get marry.
I henced it to dad who avoid the question.
His mother didn't seem to be very happy about it.
I know what dad would think, I am too young.
He and mum married at the age of 23, just the very same age when I am planning to tight the knot.
I couldn't explain or not knowing how or in the need to show whoever needs to understand
why I want to get marry.
I mean I am not stupid, I know what sort of family I have grown up in.
Don't you think I have problems in trusting marriage.
DUH! 6 months ago I was telling myself how much fun I still wanted and not ready to settle down.
And boom! I met him.
He is the only person who ever ever makes me feel comfortable enough to settle down,
maybe at times I feel unsafe or insecure but I seriously don't want someone else but him.

I guess I could understand our parents'concern but they should know better than anyone of how
strong I can be. I believe in marraige and so is he. 
He is bascially the only one who has always be on my side.
All other men have left me whether I forced them or they just couldn't stand me anymore.
But he loves me for who I am, he be there and he always will.
I can't imagine my life withouth him, I know it because I could not walk away from him.
Each arguement has made me see myself more clear, I am a kid again when I am with him.
I love the way he treasures me and I just love him dearly.
Among all those male friends of mine who care so much about me, I have found the love of my life and
I would marry him and settle with one man only for the rest of my moments.
I know our parents would worry about our maturity, strength of our love but most of all
our financial status of our life.

We are not planning a huge wedding, we just want to share our special day with the most
important and respecful people we love in the simple western wedding with love and humor.
We vaule our marriage and hope to create a family of our own later.
We are going to host a wedding and commit our lives together, not having a football team of kids
all of a sudden. I really hope that one day our parents could see it and bless us with pure love and
watch us walk down the aisle and love each other for the rest of our life.