New job is great so far but are they always
I really hope it can last more than two years, I am less afraid of getting bored of this position as I prefer that fancy title in this bloody cruel world and reality. At least it has a "Manager" on it and this big firm can size up my experience and it's stable and it's 90% western culture.
Sometimes I feel like I don't speak English at all, especially when I face RainMan.
He drives me nuts man!
The way he looks at me, I mean stop glancing!
And his team, Er........ but the admin team is supportive.
I mean, I don't need to care how the advisors teams are.
I just want to do my job and keep money coming and live life the way I want.

I feel crap lately, I hate the fact how depression is getting back to me piece by piece.
I am frightened of losing myself piece by piece, would I?
It sucks. Fine in the morning and just ONE, I mean ONE TINY thing goes wrong then
I would be riding a roller coaster. I just lose myself.

I could just cry and cry and deep down I hate myself so much.
I hate how easily I can lose it and not seeing who I am and mostly not capable of being myself again
right at that moment even knowing damn well it is not me and not someone who I want to be.

This morning was great, I was hoping it's going to be a sit back Saturday.
Everything was fine until he stayed in the room and wouldn't come out.
And just like that, 2 mins I was furious and upset.
I inserted the b-sided vcd and kept watching the movie.
I felt bad for being mad at him, just because he didn't come out?
Ya, I am almost the one who make the first move each time and
I thought it'd be a change this morning and it'd be fun.
But just one mistake or just one simple actioin. (or no action)
My emotion just turn up side down, I am mad at him and I am most of all angry at myself.
He just ruined everything and yet I allowed myself to feel that way.
If he could just walk out of the room and brought me back in then it would have be fantastic.

Then I just stormed off, I couldn't enjoy the movie and had a shower.
A shower to wake myself up and yet to cool off.
Tears come down with the running water, thank godness the anger was washed off.
I was normal again and got into some fun then disappointment.
I had no reason to be mad and I wasn't really pissed at him.
Just myself, I wanted to include him by letting him do it.
But I guessed it took too long and I got pissed at myself.
Then I cried and cried and I was just tired.

I don't know when I would reach the state of breaking down.
(hoping not to)
I don't want medication, I just want to be myself.
I don't mind the emotional me, it is part of who I am.
It is how I get my good art but I no longer need depression to storm my life.
I don't like hurting my love ones.
I prayed after my shower, I laied on the bed.
And the first thing I had was prayer, for so long I had forgotten how it felt.
Tears just ran down automatically, couldn't help it but I felt better.
I should pray more, it may help again.
But I know I am not going to force myself to fight against my lazyness.
Or I somehow think I don't deserved to be blessed and loved by Lord.
Ya I have been away for so long, I know he loves me dearly but I'd take my time.

I miss NZ, I  miss home, I miss my mates.
I stop thinking about Billy now, gosh he was the most imporatant of all for a long time.
But still Chris, my favourite ex. Haha, no one could be any sweeter than my dearest Chris.
I love mocking him when he says how great I am and how much he misses our old times.
I would constantly remind him that it's his lost.
He flew to Hong Kong for me, how many men would really do it?
I had few of them saying it but how many of them could appear in front of my eyes?
I couldn't thank this man enough, he was the first man who touched me THAT way
But most of all, he has always been a very good friend.
He listens, he talks. I know he doesn't tell me as much as I share with him but
it doesn't change the fact of how much we know each other.
The night he was in Hong Kong, we were stucked in Kowloon Park.
Right before the secuirty guard came and told us to leave as it's closing.
I knew, I knew Chris wanted to kiss me and yet he lost his chance again.

Chris and Billy were the first people I think of when I am down,
they know me best. But Billy is no longer in my world, no one's fault.
We just grew apart. Ya two very best friends grew apart.
He wasn't the first anyway, Molly and Billy.
Losing two best friends of a life time, who knows if I would lost anyone next?

I only told a very few people that I am planning to get marry.
I henced it to dad who avoid the question.
His mother didn't seem to be very happy about it.
I know what dad would think, I am too young.
He and mum married at the age of 23, just the very same age when I am planning to tight the knot.
I couldn't explain or not knowing how or in the need to show whoever needs to understand
why I want to get marry.
I mean I am not stupid, I know what sort of family I have grown up in.
Don't you think I have problems in trusting marriage.
DUH! 6 months ago I was telling myself how much fun I still wanted and not ready to settle down.
And boom! I met him.
He is the only person who ever ever makes me feel comfortable enough to settle down,
maybe at times I feel unsafe or insecure but I seriously don't want someone else but him.

I guess I could understand our parents'concern but they should know better than anyone of how
strong I can be. I believe in marraige and so is he. 
He is bascially the only one who has always be on my side.
All other men have left me whether I forced them or they just couldn't stand me anymore.
But he loves me for who I am, he be there and he always will.
I can't imagine my life withouth him, I know it because I could not walk away from him.
Each arguement has made me see myself more clear, I am a kid again when I am with him.
I love the way he treasures me and I just love him dearly.
Among all those male friends of mine who care so much about me, I have found the love of my life and
I would marry him and settle with one man only for the rest of my moments.
I know our parents would worry about our maturity, strength of our love but most of all
our financial status of our life.

We are not planning a huge wedding, we just want to share our special day with the most
important and respecful people we love in the simple western wedding with love and humor.
We vaule our marriage and hope to create a family of our own later.
We are going to host a wedding and commit our lives together, not having a football team of kids
all of a sudden. I really hope that one day our parents could see it and bless us with pure love and
watch us walk down the aisle and love each other for the rest of our life.